Lost It

So tonight for the very first time since diagnosis, I lost it. I let myself break down and cry. Jack has been doing good over the last week. His blood sugars have been within range. He went back to school and has done amazing! Late this afternoon I could tell that he wasn't feeling too well. Not like the weekend that he got sick which led to his diagnosis. I checked his temperature becaus he felt very hot and he was running a 100.2 fever. I got him to take some Advil and he ate most of his dinner. Around 7:30 he fell asleep and that was our clue that he really wasn't feeling good. We still had a sugar check and at least 1 shot to give if not 2.  I was able to get his sugar checked without waking him up. Because he was wearing a sweatshirt (another sign he had a fever) I couldn't give him his shots in his arm like normal. Jon helped me get it to where I could give him his shot his leg. It did not go as I had hoped. Not long after I got the needle in his leg he moved and then he cried that it hurt. When he jerked it had caused the needle to come out and now his leg was bleeding. So for the 2nd shot we had to get his sweatshirt off and he was not happy about that. The 2nd went better and we got him to lay back down. As he lay down he said "I just don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me." That was all it took. I knew that he hadn't been all the way awake during all of this but it broke my heart that the thought was in his head. I laid down with him and comforted him until he fell asleep. I'm so sad that he has to endure this. I know that this is God's plan but there are times that my sinful nature says that this isn't fair. He doesn't really understand why all of this is happening to him and I don't have words to explain it to him. My wish for him is that his diabetes will just fade into the background. I know that it will eventually but I am so impatient about it all. I just lay there with him and cried. I knew it was a matter of time that this happened but I didn't know when. I know that it is my mommy heart just wanting to take all of this off of him and put it on me. I would rather deal with this than him.

For now.