Lost It

So tonight for the very first time since diagnosis, I lost it. I let myself break down and cry. Jack has been doing good over the last week. His blood sugars have been within range. He went back to school and has done amazing! Late this afternoon I could tell that he wasn't feeling too well. Not like the weekend that he got sick which led to his diagnosis. I checked his temperature becaus he felt very hot and he was running a 100.2 fever. I got him to take some Advil and he ate most of his dinner. Around 7:30 he fell asleep and that was our clue that he really wasn't feeling good. We still had a sugar check and at least 1 shot to give if not 2.  I was able to get his sugar checked without waking him up. Because he was wearing a sweatshirt (another sign he had a fever) I couldn't give him his shots in his arm like normal. Jon helped me get it to where I could give him his shot his leg. It did not go as I had hoped. Not long after I got the needle in his leg he moved and then he cried that it hurt. When he jerked it had caused the needle to come out and now his leg was bleeding. So for the 2nd shot we had to get his sweatshirt off and he was not happy about that. The 2nd went better and we got him to lay back down. As he lay down he said "I just don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me." That was all it took. I knew that he hadn't been all the way awake during all of this but it broke my heart that the thought was in his head. I laid down with him and comforted him until he fell asleep. I'm so sad that he has to endure this. I know that this is God's plan but there are times that my sinful nature says that this isn't fair. He doesn't really understand why all of this is happening to him and I don't have words to explain it to him. My wish for him is that his diabetes will just fade into the background. I know that it will eventually but I am so impatient about it all. I just lay there with him and cried. I knew it was a matter of time that this happened but I didn't know when. I know that it is my mommy heart just wanting to take all of this off of him and put it on me. I would rather deal with this than him.

For now.

He knows me!

I sit here listening to Rita (my Sunday School teacher) read Psalm 139. It is really hitting home for me today. God knows every part of me - inside and out. Even when I feel at my lowest, like I have completely messed up, I can't hide from God. He always knows where I am and what is happening inside my head. He knew, last week when I was quietly freaking out about Jack's diagnosis, that all I needed was Him. He reminded me during that time that I just needed to turn the whole situation over to Him, to let Him be in control. As I said in my last post, He has prepared me for this time to do what needs to be done for Jack. I didn't know that this was going to be a part of my future but God did. He knew that what I learned from my dad and his living and dying of this disease would help me be able to process everything I was given. Over the last 2 weeks, God has given me constant reminders that I must trust in Him and ask for help from others, even if it is just asking for prayer. So I ask those of you who may read this to just pray for us, nothing specific but just to pray. 

For now.

A New Way of Life

On Monday, May 5, we made a trip to the doctor for Jack. He had become sick over the weekend and neither of us knew what was wrong. After talking with the doctor and a couple of tests that could be done there we were informed that Jack has type 1 diabetes. We were then told that we needed to take him directly to the hospital. We had to go through the ER but thankfully our doctor had called ahead and we were taken right back. We spent a few hours there while they did some more tests and then we met Jack's endocrinologist from Nemours. Dr. Canas talked directly to Jack to find out some different things from him and began to simply explain it to him. Shortly after we were admitted.
Jon was on his way out of town for work. I wanted him to be there but knew that I had all that I could handle at that time. Jon gets bored so easily and I knew that he would have been simply bored to tears. The next 3 days were a whirlwind. It was so much for us to wrap our heads around. It is one thing when it is your dad and it is just a way of life. This is my little boy, my baby, and now his life has changed in an instant. The thing that I just couldn't figure out in my head was how to completely explain this to him. Thankfully we had some great nurses and doctors that have worked with kids that explained it to him in a way that he understood. One thing that we have learned is that not only has his life changed but ours as well. We have to take a lot more stuff with us now. We are eating more meals at home so that we can't count all of the carbs that he is taking. We are ultra aware of how he is feeling all the time.
Yes, I know that my dad died from this disease but I also know that he was apart of a lot of the treatments they have out there now.
One thing that I have learned from all of this is that God prepares us early in life for things that we will have to deal with later on in life. He prepared me for this and I didn't know it until I was fully into it. I knew on Monday, May 5th that we were going to have to turn all of this over to God. He would be the only thing that helped us all through the first week. He is the only thing that has kept me from completely breaking down. I know that I need to be strong and aware of the things that Jack needs at all times.
This is the beginning of a new way of life.

For now.